Round 2! Not quite the Ignorant bliss of Round 1

As many of you know, I'm pregnant, 29 weeks pregnant to be exact.  Oh ok, 29 weeks and 1 day.  So many people have asked me what was different about this pregnancy compared to the first one, and what REALLY stands out for me is my state of mind.  

The first time around, I was excited to have a child, scared, but excited.  I had this kind of blissful attitude about it.  I felt as though I was getting closer to nature, the genius of my body was showing me how to build a baby and I really didn't have to do much, but stay healthy and eat well. I thought this was just amazing.  At times I felt completely out of control and a little mournful that my once tight 6 pack abs were turning into a bloated belly, but soon realized that it kind of came with the territory.  People say your body changes forever, but I really was convinced mine wouldn't, at least not for good.  (Not sure how I came up with this belief). I had an easy pregnancy so I assumed that not only would Olivia be delivered in a matter of minutes, but she would need little care once she was born.  She might cry here and there, nurse a bit, but generally disrupt my life very little, you know, kind of like in the movies.  People have babies and they just kind of entertain themselves from a very young age.  I'd be so excited to get back to yoga, working out, actually jumping up and down, and selling houses.  I couldn't wait to "return" to my old life.  

Who knew my life would be changed in such a way that and I really wouldn't "want" it to go back to the way it was.

Now, let's review thoughts and feelings this pregnancy:  "I'm actually pregnant.  Wow, better enjoy not having a belly for as long as I can.  Oh wait, it's here already?! What?!  Guess I better enjoy not being huge for as long as I can.  How's Olivia going to react to having a sibling?  How's Olivia going to react to a brother?  I'm going to be so tired, I'd better practice my deep breathing now so I don't explode at everyone.  I don't want to turn into a bad Mom, so we need help.  I know I'll need lots of help. I know we can't do it alone.  I'm so excited to have a boy this time.  I can't wait to see what will be different, how he'll react to things, what his personality will be like.  I hope he's a mini Pete.  I hope he doesn't pee all over me when I change his diaper.  How do I clean that thing anyways?  Guess I better google it."

Funny how things change!

Getting Back to Me

About 3 years ago, I forgot about all of the things I had claimed to be passionate about, dance, yoga, baking, cooking, imagining, creating, observing the world around me.  My daughter Olivia had arrived, and she was my world now.

I directed everything I had to my daughter.  And I mean this in an incredibly literal way.  

The only reason I took care of myself on any level was so I could provide for her.  I ate, slept, breathed, Olivia.  She gave me purpose.

To be honest, it felt (and still feels) good to have her as my focus.  I wasn't searching for a reason to get up in the morning, she was lying right beside me.  So much of my life had been uncertain, "Was the path I chose the right one?", "Should I really be doing this?", "Does this feel right?".  My thoughts and feelings about Olivia didn't even need consideration, the heart, the gut told me, "yes".

3 years later, I'm still madly in love with my daughter, but recently, "I" have started returning to the picture.  Me.  Dancer. Yogi. Baker. Dreamer.

And "I" have returned with more fervor, passion and focus than I have ever had.  I don't say this lightly.  Focus has always been a challenge for me, I can blame it on being Gemini, but I've always had a hard time being grounded and settled in my decisions to do one thing or another.

Now I see time as a privilege.  I want to squeeze every bit of worth out of each free moment I have.  I see my challenges in dance, and want to work to remediate them, enjoy dance again and strengthen what has become weak, loosen what has become tight, and preserve my body.  Yoga leads me back to myself and cleanses me in a different way from dance.  Olivia can help me in the kitchen, and even baking boxed cupcakes with her has an uncanny excitement.  I might be returning to the same activities I did before I had Olivia, but now they take on such a different meaning with her influence.

When it is time for our second child, I'm guessing I'll take another sabbatical from me, but this time, I'm hoping it won't be for quite so long. :)

Don't hand me your baby!! - Well... ok...

"What do you think you're doing handing me your baby?  I don't want that thing, it might cry or poop on me or something.  No, it's so cute and so sweet, but you can keep it.  Yeah, it's so nice, but no thanks I don't want to hold it.  I think it wants to be with you right now."


For a really long time, I didn't want to have kids.  They never really sounded good to me.  Maybe it was because I did a ton of babysitting when I was younger and found them to be so so difficult.  They were so much work, they didn't listen, their poops stunk, they cried A LOT.... No, I did not want to have children.


As time passed, these sentiments didn't really change, at least not for a while.  My reasons for not having children grew, and included things like not wanting to overpopulate the planet and still thinking they were just a lot of work, or at least more work than I thought I could handle.  I had so much more I wanted to accomplish... or at least that's what I told myself over and over.


Well, shockingly, over time, things change.  You meet someone, "the one"... and all of a sudden, you're thinking marriage, you're thinking kids, that word "stability"... it's crazy.  It's like someone's hijacked that part of the brain that didn't want kids, removed the "no" section and replaced it with a bright glowing "yes".  For me, it was a switch, for others I know they've been dreaming since they were babies that they wanted to have babies... And they wanted like 10 of them, now that, I just can't understand. I'm sure I played with baby dolls, but I really can't remember holding them and feeding them, pretending they were mine... no, I was always pretending to be a teacher or a banker... those in my mind were much better professions.


Then, I got pregnant, well, you know, about 25 years after I was playing teacher and banker.   I AGAIN experienced some kind of mind control from some far off alien planet.  It's like I was part of the Borg, part of this system and I had no control, I was half robot.  I was having thoughts that definitely weren't originating from the same place that those anti-child thoughts were coming from. My poor body was going through so much and I just kept thinking about how wonderful this little being was going to be and how I was going to love it with every ounce of myself.  Oh, I just couldn't wait to meet this little crying baby that didn't listen and drew on the walls and was generally crazy and unruly.  Oh wait, that part about crying, crazy and unruly somehow never crossed my mind during that time and never again to tell you the truth. Weird.


What can I say, now that Olivia's here and I've lived almost 2 years with her, I can barely even imagine what life was like before this.  


Often I wonder how I made such a huge switch in my thinking around having kids.  Some might argue that it's God's plan.  Others might suggest that it just takes the right man.  And someone else might think it's only natural, humans are meant to reproduce.  Even now you'll find me holding other peoples' babies, even asking to hold them...something I never thought I'd do.  I even wonder how I ever could have thought that other professions were "better".  And yes, I just called parenting a profession, because to me, it is, a very serious one, one I'm proud to be and can no longer imagine myself not being.  


I thank God, the universe, nature, the alien planet and my husband for changing the switch in me, because it was definitely for the better.

Yoga, a tool for better parenting. What's your "yoga"?

I've noticed that every time I'm consistent with my yoga, I'm a better mother. I'm more engaged, more empathetic and more energized about parenting.  I've also noticed that when my thoughts are all disjointed and random and it's been a while since I've taken a yoga class, I become more reactive and I have less patience.  Little things start to bug me and  I find myself reaching for my cell phone for distraction, or lacking in imagination when I'm attempting to work something out or come up with something for Olivia.  In all honesty, I'm just not as happy with my parenting.


For me, yoga is almost a magic pill.  It gives me time to do something that is solely for me.  It's very easy being a parent to completely neglect yourself.  Everyone around me benefits in the end, but during that class, I'm breathing, stretching, holding, releasing, and just feeding myself.  I walk out feeling grounded, centered, and at peace.  I find that my decisions with Olivia come from a healthy and loving place, not overly analyzed or overly emotional, but a place of freedom and positivity.  I want to do so many things with her, I want to "show her the world"!!!!


There are times when I have this strange resistance to doing yoga.  As I write about it now, I find it odd I'd even consider NOT doing it.  Maybe it's the saboteur in me, maybe I forget how good this "life cleanse" is.  But to have something I can run to to set me back on the right track is really invaluable.  I always seem to realize something new about myself, about Olivia and just life generally.  I get out of my own way for a while and it always seems like something new is revealed to me and I can feel more forward momentum in my life.


I do understand that yoga isn't for everyone.  So, what is your "yoga", what is it that "cleans your slate", pushes your reset button...surfing, dancing, gardening... it could be almost anything.  I'm not talking going to Vegas either, you know, the authentic things that bring you back to yourself.  


All I can say is I feel blessed to have found something that helps me to see things more clearly, especially as they relate to being a mother.  I know I'll never be a "perfect" parent, but if I can use those tools that help me to be the best parent possible, then I've done something right. :)

Motherhood, a sure fire way to lose control

The moment I started to "feel" pregnant, I quickly discovered that the sense of control I "thought" I had over my body was quickly diminishing.  No longer could I starve it, or work it really hard, deprive it of sleep, or smoosh it into clothes that didn't quite fit, or even yell at it for not doing what I wanted it to do.  (The yelling part happened a lot when I was dancing.)  Now, my body was talking back louder than ever before.  It was sending clear messages like,"No, I don't think so.  That power yoga class? ummm....No... That 5 mile walk uphill? .... No... I'm tired... really tired.  I want to sleep..." All of a sudden, these crazy things are happening, like my body seems to have a mind of it's own.  Now, I must confess, I had a VERY easy pregnancy (which I think was made up for in the labor).  My body did talk, but not quite as violently as some peoples' and I feel very blessed for that.  Regardless, we did have numerous "discussions", and inevitably, the body won out on every single one of them.  What happened to the things "I" wanted to do.... oh, this is so confusing.


This definition of "I", had actually become, "we", since technically there was no longer just one of me to take care of anymore.  I had this miracle inside of me, or so I was told.  When I was pregnant, imagining a baby in there was pretty much impossible, even the kicks didn't really reassure me that a human baby was going to be coming out some how.


If I only knew that pregnancy was only a small preview to the loss of control I was about to experience once the baby actually arrived.


So let's jump forward to the baby... She's out, she's crying, she's hungry, and she wants everything when she wants it.  Wow, what the heck am I doing?  Here Mom, take her, she won't stop crying.  Here Pete, take her, I don't know what to do... Ok, it wasn't that bad, but I did hand her off a few times in the first few days totally exasperated and feeling completely inadequate.  Those 12 weeks of birthing class didn't at all prepare me for the actual baby!  What was I thinking?  It should have been a 12 week course on baby preparedness or something!  I just want to sleep!


And this was just the beginning.  At first I was in this kind of motherhood bliss, so whatever the baby wanted when she wanted it, didn't seem so bad for about the first week, but then it continued.  All of my instincts told me to just love her and give her everything she needed, when she needed it, but my old selfish me wanted to do it when I felt like it.  I had this internal battle going on for quite some time.  I loved Olivia so much and wanted her to be so happy and be cuddled and kissed and just... perfect.  But my old selfish me was having a tough time with this! 


As time passed I stopped resisting and turned this lack of resistance into a total devotion and surrender to my daughter.  No longer was I irritated when she was up in the middle of the night.  There was a need, and I was there to fulfill it.  I was going to do my best and I was going to enjoy every smile, every tear and every moment with my daughter, even if those moments were in the middle of the night for the third time.  At sixteen, there's no way she'll be excited to see me, squeal, run towards me and jump on my lap... I'm just not seeing that for some reason.


And so, 19 months later, I continue to surrender and now it seems, that my "sense of control" is returning.  So in about 2 years, I've gone from feeling totally out of control, with my body growing this baby pretty much without my consent, to catering to my baby's every need, to.... making flexible choices about how the day will be and how things will happen with my child.  It's been a gradual process, but one that seems appropriate for Olivia's development and my sanity.  It's this total loss of control that has lead me to this new "flexible" sense of control.  It seems with children, or at least with a 19 month old, I still have to maintain flexibility, while holding strong at the same time.  Who knows, maybe part of why babies/children are brought into our lives is to show us that we really had no control to begin with.  

Everyone's Napping, but ME!!! Let's... be in the moment.

Every so often, I have the chance to have complete silence in the household, even though everyone is home.  Right now is one of those times, and I really don't know what to do with it.  I've browsed facebook, googled myself, googled my husband, my daughter and my cat... Then I realized, why not do something kind of productive with my time, rather than just wasting it.


So, here I am, sharing my thoughts again.  What can I say, this parenting adventure is more amazing than I had ever imagined.  I must say, my daughter's genius shows itself again and again.  She is so clear headed and free, and I often reminisce as far back as I can remember, searching for a time when I felt that liberated.  I can remember times when I would run around the backyard and jump in the pool without even a second thought. I can remember nothing really mattered except being totally in the moment.  And I guess that's what my daughter does.  She is completely in the moment, not worrying about what's going to happen next or holding onto the upsettedness she felt 5 minutes before when she didn't get the popsicle she wanted.  She has taught me to be totally present.  I find at times this can be exhausting and I literally have to do my mind numbing facebook or take some time out to watch tv so I can just recoup.  She, on the other hand, never seems to need this. 


I know there is this "circle of life" and from what I've experienced, having kids and a family are definitely essential in this "circle".  My daughter has brought me to where she is starting and is reteaching me the lessons I have forgotten.  As a child I always felt in a rush to grow older, but not mature too fast.  And now that I've discovered somehow I have grown older, and I am now that adult, that my childhood seemed to have gone so quickly.  I am looking forward to reliving my childhood through and with my daughter.  I consider it a blessing and a privilege to be given the opportunity to do this.  And if I can have another son or daughter and have the opportunity to relive it even an additional time, I will consider myself one of the richest in the world.

Why am I Blogging?

The fact of the matter is, once I became pregnant with my daughter Olivia, it was no longer about "me", it was about "her".  And I've carried this mantra on for the last 16 months + 10 months (pregnancy).  At times I think I'm going to die of exhaustion or mental and emotional fatigue, but then I see this beautiful being before me and realize there's a reason it's tough.  It's not meant to be easy all the time.


I'm sure every first blogger starts with this, why am I blogging?  I'm blogging because the experience I'm having raising my child is just blowing me away!  I have thoughts and feelings and concerns and all sorts of things are just mind blowing and I don't always have someone to share them with that "get" it.


Very quickly, I have VERY strong feelings around natural child rearing and you'll see them as they appear throughout my posts, sometimes subtly and sometimes quite blatantly.


No, I'm not this total tree hugger that's vegan and doesn't wear shoes, but I am a Mom that I think I'd say was "sensitive".  I am MADLY in love with my daughter.  I never thought I'd be this way, so the things I'm doing are REALLY surprising me!  Maybe you'll read this blog and think that I'm a Mom who's really trying to change the next generation and doing my best.  Or maybe you'll think I'm totally crazy.  No matter what you think, at least you're thinking and not just following the rest of the herd.


So, here I am a 33 year old, about to start an adventure, or should I say, I've already embarked on an adventure, but I thought I'd starting something new.  Join me, watch how this mind works and maybe you'll have a thing or two on your mind too!


Mommy Nova