The moment I started to "feel" pregnant, I quickly discovered that the sense of control I "thought" I had over my body was quickly diminishing. No longer could I starve it, or work it really hard, deprive it of sleep, or smoosh it into clothes that didn't quite fit, or even yell at it for not doing what I wanted it to do. (The yelling part happened a lot when I was dancing.) Now, my body was talking back louder than ever before. It was sending clear messages like,"No, I don't think so. That power yoga class? ummm....No... That 5 mile walk uphill? .... No... I'm tired... really tired. I want to sleep..." All of a sudden, these crazy things are happening, like my body seems to have a mind of it's own. Now, I must confess, I had a VERY easy pregnancy (which I think was made up for in the labor). My body did talk, but not quite as violently as some peoples' and I feel very blessed for that. Regardless, we did have numerous "discussions", and inevitably, the body won out on every single one of them. What happened to the things "I" wanted to do.... oh, this is so confusing.
This definition of "I", had actually become, "we", since technically there was no longer just one of me to take care of anymore. I had this miracle inside of me, or so I was told. When I was pregnant, imagining a baby in there was pretty much impossible, even the kicks didn't really reassure me that a human baby was going to be coming out some how.
If I only knew that pregnancy was only a small preview to the loss of control I was about to experience once the baby actually arrived.
So let's jump forward to the baby... She's out, she's crying, she's hungry, and she wants everything when she wants it. Wow, what the heck am I doing? Here Mom, take her, she won't stop crying. Here Pete, take her, I don't know what to do... Ok, it wasn't that bad, but I did hand her off a few times in the first few days totally exasperated and feeling completely inadequate. Those 12 weeks of birthing class didn't at all prepare me for the actual baby! What was I thinking? It should have been a 12 week course on baby preparedness or something! I just want to sleep!
And this was just the beginning. At first I was in this kind of motherhood bliss, so whatever the baby wanted when she wanted it, didn't seem so bad for about the first week, but then it continued. All of my instincts told me to just love her and give her everything she needed, when she needed it, but my old selfish me wanted to do it when I felt like it. I had this internal battle going on for quite some time. I loved Olivia so much and wanted her to be so happy and be cuddled and kissed and just... perfect. But my old selfish me was having a tough time with this!
As time passed I stopped resisting and turned this lack of resistance into a total devotion and surrender to my daughter. No longer was I irritated when she was up in the middle of the night. There was a need, and I was there to fulfill it. I was going to do my best and I was going to enjoy every smile, every tear and every moment with my daughter, even if those moments were in the middle of the night for the third time. At sixteen, there's no way she'll be excited to see me, squeal, run towards me and jump on my lap... I'm just not seeing that for some reason.
And so, 19 months later, I continue to surrender and now it seems, that my "sense of control" is returning. So in about 2 years, I've gone from feeling totally out of control, with my body growing this baby pretty much without my consent, to catering to my baby's every need, to.... making flexible choices about how the day will be and how things will happen with my child. It's been a gradual process, but one that seems appropriate for Olivia's development and my sanity. It's this total loss of control that has lead me to this new "flexible" sense of control. It seems with children, or at least with a 19 month old, I still have to maintain flexibility, while holding strong at the same time. Who knows, maybe part of why babies/children are brought into our lives is to show us that we really had no control to begin with.
I agree! The loss of control was one of the most difficult things about having a baby. However, thankfully I adapted to it (painfully!) and now am much more flexible than I was before. Now I'm theorizing that this is one reason why women live longer than men -- we are more flexible and adaptable. The demographic category with the highest suicide rate: white men ages 65-74. They experience retirement, loss of status, identity, and control that came with their jobs. So while the experience has been very difficult, I have become a better person because of having my child. :)
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